My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me irl
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
relationship goals
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of