My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
#parenting
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk