“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I think about this a lot
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.