ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I love it all
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*