Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Yes
Netflix and you sit over there.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Grandmother clock.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??