A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
i prefer mine room temperature.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.