Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?