When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Hey i am sexy to you now
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.