[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
You Might Also Like
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.