{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”