I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate