My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?