I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I feel it
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.