ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.