me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
That’s enough internet for the day
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced