Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.