People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*