therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
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VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
What a year we’ve had this week.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!