The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I bet
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.