Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
You Might Also Like
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….