“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Finally!
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me