Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.