Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
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Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?