Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Labreador
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.