ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you