Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
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Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.