every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?