Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants