[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what