I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand