getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
S M O L
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.