If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”