if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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accurate
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.