A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’