Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
You Might Also Like
Butt weight. There’s more!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.