It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur