Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.