Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?