My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
He just like my cat fr
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
It’s a gift
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands