[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
do what now??
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.