I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?