I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
You Might Also Like
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”