If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.