Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
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Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Happy thanksgiving!
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?