Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!