*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
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You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder