Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
This could be us but you eatin’
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”