*launders Kohls cash*
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6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
road rage
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?