The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?