“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.